"thornhill, come with me. I know you are looking for a great movie. To reinvigorate your love of cinema. Come with me. I have just the movie."
"I don't know. I've been down this path before…"
"Come with me."
"What will make your movie different? Most movies look good during the trailers because they show all of the best bits. But few are able to deliver on that promise. Very few."
"thornhill, come with me. Follow me to this little village I have created for the film. It could be an old German village. It could be in Eastern Europe. It could be in old Russia. It could be many things. This is the beauty of my little village; because the film is based on a fairy tale, I can and will keep things fairly enigmatic."
"But that is part of the problem. If you are creating a fictional world, it needs to look real. Your village looks like a set."
"Most films are made on sets… Won't you come with me?"
"Yes, but…"
"Come with me. My film is good. You will enjoy it."
"…Most films are adequately able to disguise the sets. They pay a lot of money to make everything look as real as possible. You paid a lot of money to make everything look like a set. Your fable needs a distinctive time and place to ground it in reality, to make it seem believable and real."
"Come with me…"
"Just because you are adapting a fairytale does not mean your screenplay has license to be subpar. I understand you are adapting something…"
"Won't you come with me? Take my hand. I will lead you away from the sorry state of the multiplex…."
"…That was probably 10 or 20 pages originally into a film that runs about 100 minutes, creating a lot of story to fill, a lot of dialogue to create. But if you don't have the ideas to create a feature-length story, don't do it. Simply repeating phrases or ideas over and over again does not create suspense. You need to create characters and let them grow throughout the course of the story."
"Are you thornhill?"
"It seems like your screenwriter David Johnson ("Orphan", the upcoming sequel to "Clash of the Titans" (Don't get me started on that one)) becomes bored and simply can't be bothered to come up with any new ideas. Did he have a quota of pages to fill? Even ideas and situations are repeated. I can see the value in repeating a small number of these, for instance, showing us how Reverend Solomon's (Gary Oldman) Trojan Elephant works. And then putting one of the lovers in the contraption should create considerable suspense. But somehow, somewhere, the suspense is lost and even this moment falls flat."
"Are you thornhill?
"Are you thornhill?"
"I understand why you were chosen to helm this film. You made the first "Twilight" film and helped to create a franchise. But does your interpretation of "Red Riding Hood" have to seem like a sequel to the uber-popular Vampire saga? You even have three brooding, fairly attractive young people at the center of the story."
"Come with me. Are you thornhill?"
"But the number one priority for you should have been to find better actors. Amanda Seyfried (HBO's "Big Love", "Mamma Mia") is okay, but she spends a maddening amount of time staring into other people's eyes. During her initial confrontation with the wolf, she realizes he has human eyes, so she spends the rest of the film staring into other people's eyes trying to identify the wolf. This and the constant utterances of "Are you the wolf?" help create a thin, but extremely overwrought tale. It is actually quite a feat to create a story that is both thin and overwrought. Kudos to you and Mr. Reynolds."
"Are you thornhill?
"Come with me."
"The two young men, Seyfried's suitors, are both good looking, but such obvious stand-ins for Robert Pattison and Taylor Lautner it becomes frustrating. The attempts to copy the "Twilight" formula are blatant and continue throughout. The most frustrating thing? Shiloh Fernandez and Max Irons make Pattinson and Lautner look like Laurence Olivier. They are simply two of the worst actors I have seen in some time. At one point, they confront each other on a transom surrounding the village square. This moment is, by no means, unique because they confront each other many times. During this particular confrontation Irons stops Fernandez. Fernandez turns abruptly and says, almost shouting "I'm not the wolf". He darts his eyes back and forth and repeats the line, this time at barely a whisper. "I'm not the wolf.""
"Are you thornhill? Come with me…"
"Catherine, you should stick with small, independent films. These projects allow you to concentrate on the actors and their performances. When you don't have the distractions of a big budget film, this is where your strengths lie. "thirteen" was really good. Exactly the type of film you should make. But when you took the reigns of "Twilight" I fear your career was changed for ever. You became the director of a huge hit and I'm not sure you will be able to go back. Or if you even want to. These big budget films are too much for you. The acting in "Twilight" is okay, but I'm not sure how or what you added to the success of this film. I think my cat could've directed "Twilight" and it still would have made a gazillion dollars. But because of that success, and the studios eagerness to repeat it, you were brought in to "Twilight"-ize "Red Riding Hood". Bravo. "Twilight"-ize it you did. What this film really needs is the hand of someone like Tim Burton or Terry Gilliam."
"You must come with me. I promise you an escape.
"Are you thornhill?"
"And the acting in "Riding Hood" is universally bad. Or just bland. Julie Christie plays Grandma and a few of her lines brought laughter from the audience when they weren't supposed to. Billy Burke (Bella's dad in "Twilight") plays Papa. Now that's a stretch. Papa's big scene involves him throwing up in the middle of the town square. Virginia Madsen is Mama and her story seems pulled out of a soap opera with acting to match. Both performances are problematic. Lukas Haas plays the village priest, a scared, cowardly man who eagerly awaits the arrival of his elder, the Reverend Solomon (Oldman). Oldman's performance is the only one with any energy. Usually, I am the first to loathe a film which contains actors using a bunch of fake accents, but "Riding Hood" is just the opposite problem. The film is set in a fictional village in the 16th Century (?) yet everyone sounds like they are from California."
"Come with me, thornhill. I promise you this film will be good…"
"You can't make that promise, Catherine. Because "Red Riding Hood" is a big, hot mess.
"I AM THORNHILL. And the identity of the werewolf makes no sense.
"I am thornhill. And your movie is just bad. It is unlikely it will achieve the success of "Twilight" or the cult status of other bad films. It is simply bad.
"I am THORNHILL…
